Ok- this was not an intentional blogging vaca, but it was needed. I needed to take some time to step away from my computer and survey the world at large. It's been a busy two weeks of being a mommy, wife, friend, and just me.
During these two weeks I have come to realize that although others might hurt me, I can't stop putting myself out there. I love deeply. There is no way around that except to not love, and for me, that is not an option. I give my love freely, hoping for love in return. Although it might hurt when this love is rejected, it is the very core of who I am. I feel deeply for others and those who know me best can attest to this.
I have realized that although I am "ok" with who I am physically, for me to be mentally and emotionally happy, I need to improve on my physical state. I also need to make time for other things that are important to me, reading a good book, taking photographs (of things other than my beautiful baby), laughing with friends, and making where I live my home.
We will be moving at the end of July. I'm more than a little anxious about this. I want to move somewhere that we plan to be for at least 2 years. Sean wan't to buy, but I'm just not ready for that yet. The thought of packing and getting ready to move makes me panic. I feel like we just got settled here. Scratch that, I feel like we still aren't quite settled here. But we need more space for Ella Grace to learn to crawl, and then walk. We need a place that we can really be comfortable in, and hopefully, a place closer to Sean's work.
I went to a church service in the park with Ella Grace on Sunday. It made me think of a line from one of my favorite movies of all time, Anne of Green Gables.
"Why must people kneel down to pray?" If I really wanted to pray I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or into the deep, deep, woods, and I'd look up into the sky--up--up--up--into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer."
Standing out in the park, singing prays to God, hold my miracle baby in my arms, I felt a prayer. A prayer for my family, for the love that will survive when the world tries to beat it down. They had a moment at the end where you could go forward for prayer. I am not a member of this church so I felt a little odd, but I went. When I told my name to the woman who was going to pray with me, I heard "Calloway? Calloway Williams?" and looked up to see and old friend. A friend from another church, from my teen years. A friend who took me to his prom. I began to cry. Seeing someone who knew the core of me at that moment, someone who could see my vulnerability and momentary lapse in strength, did me in. He prayed. He prayed for strength, for sleep, for peace, he spoke into my life. Through him God told me he was proud of me and that my life was not destined to repeat the errors of those I love. That I was not responsible for the problems in the lives of those I love. (He was more specific but I don't want to expose family issues in my blog at this time.) He reminded me to "give it to God, my pain, my fears, my joys. To allow God to carry my load, that he wants to carry it for me. It was a pretty awesome moment for me.
Today I am packing for Sean. He is leaving for a 4 day, 3 night business trip. This is the first time he will be traveling since Ella Grace was born and we are both a little anxious about this. It will all be ok, but we will miss each other and he will miss Ella Grace terribly. This will be the longest that I have been "alone" with Ella Grace. On my road trip my daddy was there. I do have friends coming over for dinner and hope to have them hold Ella Grace long enough for me to take a shower, unload the dishwasher, whatever , but that is not the same as having my husband come home at the end of the day.
I will end this now. I could keep going, but I have to get to that packing. I've missed blogging and I'm happy to be back! I hope you continue to read!